NIGHT MURDERER

Good News

I remembered my old password. The Murder Days Are Over.

-=HOLIDAYUPDATE=- (0018)

It’s almost Christmas In July! Do you know what you are getting your deformed son?

SexColumn (0017)

In the mid 90’s, I had a sex column for the Hoofton Ledger (the number one publication made exclusively for the Hoofton County community). The majority of advice was given to pregnant teenagers and white trash wanting their husbands not to beat them so much during intercourse. Now and then I get something out of the ordinary. Here was one of those times.

August 23, 1998

My boyfriend and I have just moved comfortably into an apartment in downtown Hoofton. It’s where all the action is and is significantly closer to my job at the Cider City AppleBlast Factory. Yet, we forget all the creature comforts we use to have living out on the range. The chief one is that we like to be loud during sex. Yes, we are that couple. A couple of our gay friends said to try muffling, but we like it loud. It’s our thing. We also don’t want to go around to our neighbors and ask what time they won’t be home so we can get our business done. Is there some solutions that we haven’t though of?

Signed,

LoudNPround

——-

Oh, LoudNProud, I don’t know where to begin.

A) First, you need to L-O-S-E weight. [1]

B) You are lying about your “gay friends” to impress me with your open-mindedness. The last  of the gay people were banished from Hoofton in 1996 after one the Pride Parade floats penetrated a local pet shop. 

C) Get some climbing equipment and lower yourself into one of Hoofton’s 10,000 brick wells. You’ll get all the privacy you need with great acoustics, and the worst thing that will happen is that a kid might drop a penny in your buttcrack. That or take a piss in it, but I bet you are the kind of couple that likes that kind of shit.

I’m done. If I hear your passionate moans in my apartment building I am calling the fire department. Good luck.

[1] Hoofton had the second highest obesity rates in the country. It was always a safe bet to suggest it. It’s not sexism if it’s true, right?

++++++++(ascii-graveyard?) (0016)

I’LL HAVE WHAT SHE’S HAVING.

WERENÕTMURDEREDYET (0015)

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU BUSY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WILL YOU BE BACK? I HOPE SO, BECAUSE I GOTTA TEACH KIDS ABOUT THE HORRORS OF METH AND I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO READ WHEN I GET HOME. THANKS.

`mosquitoupdate`(0014)

Here is a mapping of my current mosquito situation on my right forearm. Astronomy fans will notice it’s patter similar to the constellation Forsignarus, the god of brick oven pizza.

My hair is not that long, also.